Joke Hunt Two

Jackie:
A lady walks into her daughter's room, and her daughter's doing herself with her vibrator.
She says, "My God! What are you doing?"
She says, "Ma, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
A few minutes later, her father walks in, and she's doing herself with the vibrator.
He says "My God! What are you doing?"
She says "Daddy, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the kitchen, and there's the father...he's got a martini in one hand, and he's got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
Her mother says, "My God! What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."

Jackie:
Two bananas are laying by a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, "Come on in! The water feels great!"
One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

Jackie:
A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez...you are a good sport."

Jackie:
Dirty Johnny walks into the classroom, and the teacher says, "John, why are you late?"
Johnny says, "Sorry, teach. On the way here I saw a car hit a dog in the ass."
She says, "Not ass, John. Rectum."
Johnny says, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

Jackie:
How ugly was she?
She was known as a "two-bagger." That's a girl who's so ugly, not only do you have to put a bag over her head, you have to put a bag over your own head in case her bag rips.

Jackie:
How fat was she?
She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.

Jackie:
How fat was she?
I took her to Yankee Stadium, and the game was called on account of one of her farts.
How fat was she?
She lied in bad, spread her legs, and I said, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."

Punch Line First:
What's black and brown and looks good on a black man?
My Doberman.

Punch Line First:
Why did the French line the Champ-Elysees with trees?
So the Nazi's could march in the shade.

Punch Line First:
The synagogue has a raffle, Cohen wins third prize, and he gets a television set. Schwartz wins second prize, and he gets an apple pie.
Schwartz says, "Cohen, you win third prize, and you get a television set, and I win second prize, and I get an apple pie? This is bullshit."
Cohen says, "That pie was baked by the rabbi's wife."
Schwartz says, "Fuck the rabbi's wife."
Cohen says, "That's first prize."

"Butch's Song"

Jackie:
A couple's on vacation. The husband goes up to a wishing well, throws in a penny...ploop! Nothing. The wife takes out a penny. She walks up, trips, ass over head, falls into the wishing well, and drowns.
He says, "Fuck...it works."

Jackie:
An old guy's sitting on a bus, and a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange, he's got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him.
He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"
The guy says, "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Stump The Joke Man:
Did you hear about the Polish bungee jumper?
He hung himself.

Jackie:
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon?
He hung himself.

Stump The Joke Man:
Three blondes are out in the woods.
The first one says, "These are deer tracks."
The second one says, "These are bear tracks."
The third one says, "No...they're..."
And they get hit by the train.

Jackie:
How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Stump The Joke Man:
A nun and a priest are going across the desert on a camel when the camel drops dead. They try everything to revive it. They pound on his heart, they give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the camel is as dead as a doornail.
The nun says to the priest, "Father, we're sure to die out here. Could you please do me a favor, Father? My entire life I've been in the convent, raised from birth to be a nun, and I've never seen what's between a man's legs. Could you help me, Father?"
Well, forget it, the priest can hardly get off his pants over his boner. He finally gets his pants off, and he's got a raging hard-on.
The nun looks, and says, "My God, Father, what's that?"
The priest says "This, my child, is what gives life."
The nun says, "Well, then, why don't you shove it up that camel's ass so we can get the fuck out of here?"

Punch Line First:
What's the hardest thing about having sex with a two year-old?
Putting the diaper back on.

Punch Line First:
Why do Polish jokes and in "ski?"
They can't spell toboggan.

Stump The Joke Man:
What's eighteen inches long and makes women scream?
Crib death.