Joke Hunt Four

Jackie:
A guy goes to the doctor.
He says, "Doc, my hearing's going. I can't even hear myself fart."
The doctor says, "Take these pills every day for a week."
The guy says, "Will they make me hear better?"
The doctor says, "They'll make you fart louder."

Jackie:
A guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws the monkey a peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, "Man, that is one very stupid monkey."
The zookeeper says, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first."

Jackie:
A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment. They go into her bedroom, and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there's a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys. He fucks her.
They get done, and he says, "How was I?"
She says, "Take anything from the bottom shelf."

Jackie:
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
After you fuck her, they stay and talk to her.

Stump The Joke Man:
Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
They're worth it.

Jackie:
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

Jackie:
A nun's sitting on a plane next to a priest and she's doing a crossword puzzle.
She says, "Father, what's a four-letter word ending in ‘u-n-t' that means a kind of woman?"
The priest says, "Aunt."
The nun says, "Have you got an eraser?"

Jackie:
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?
Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

Jackie:
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."

Jackie:
There was an old lady, who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children her cunt fell off.

The GrossMaster:
Why does a dog lick his butt?
Because he knows that in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

Ian:
Why does a dog lick his butt?
Because he can.

Jackie:
Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He examines her.
He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen."
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a huge mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, and stands on the mirror. She's just about to look down when her husband walks in early from work.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Ummm...I'm just exercising."
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

Jackie:
Two guys go home with a disgusting woman. The first guy goes into the bedroom with her and comes out screaming, with his dick all cut up and bleeding.
The second guy goes in, and comes out going, "Ahhh! That was great!"
The first guy says, "Her twat cut me to shreds. What did you do?"
The second guy says, "I picked the scabs and slid in on pus."

Jackie:
A guy goes into a whorehouse and says to the madam, "I'm in the mood for something really different."
The madam says, "No problem. Madge, take this guy upstairs and sixty-nine with him."
The girl leads him upstairs into a room, they both get undressed, she lies him down on the bed, and she's just going down on him, and sticking his face when llbbt!), se cracks a rat right on his nose. He pushes her off, gets up, and starts getting dressed.
She says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I don't think I can handle sixty-eight more of those."

Jackie:
Dirty Johnny's at the dinner table and he says, "Today I learned to talk like a construction worker."
His mother says, "Really? Why don't you show us."
Johnny says, "Okay, Ma. All right, Charlie, lower it...lower...lower...dat's good...now move it to the right...a little more...now back to the left a bit...now, just a cunt hair to the right."

song:
"Around Every Bend"

commercials

Jackie CD:
A guy goes to a barber shop, sits down in the chair, the barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as the guy gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. Takes a piss! The barber finishes and comes back.
As the guy hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but why...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with the guy's change. When he comes back, the guy's standing there taking a shit on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
The guy says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."

Henny:
A new salesman in one of those new-fangled drug stores that carries thousands of items sells three thousand dollars worth of fishing equipment to a customer. The boss is amazed.
The boss says, "How'd you manage to sell three thousand dollars of fishing equipment on your first day?"
He says, "A man came in and asked for a box of Tampax for his wife. I said, ‘While you're not doing anything, why don't you go fishing?' "

Jackie CD:
A slug is sexually assaulted by two turtles. The slug's on the witness stand.
The judge says, "All right...which one of them went first?"
The slug says, "I don't know, your Honor...everything happened so fast."

Jackie CD:
What do you say to a girl with no tits?
Nothing.

Jackie CD:
Do you know why they call it a "Wonder Bra?"
Because when she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Jackie CD:
Did you hear about the gay whale?
He bit the end off a submarine and sucked out all the semen.

Jackie CD:
Liz Taylor says to her doctor, "I have a new boyfriend, and he's only sixteen...I want you to operate on my private parts to make them smaller. I want to have the vagina of a sixteen year old. And this has to be our secret...no leaks, no tabloids."
When Liz wakes up after the operation, her doctor is standing there. She looks at the foot of the bed, and sees three bouquets of flowers.
She says, "How could you do this? I told you this was a secret."
The doctor says, "Liz, relax. The first bouquet is from me. The second bouquet is from the anesthesiologist. He worked side by side with me on your operation, he's gay, and he's one of your biggest fans. He won't tell a soul. And the third bouquet is from a guy in the Burn Unit who wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Jackie CD:
What do you get when you cross an Italian dictator with a black guy?
Moosecockolini.

Jackie CD:
How do you keep a bunch of Puerto Ricans from ripping off your house?
Put a ‘Now Hiring' sign in the window.

How fat was she?
I'll tell you, you know a girl's fat if she sits on a Moped and you can't hear the engine...

How fat was she?
She was lying on the bed naked, with her legs spread...I didn't know whether to fuck her or take the burro ride down...

Stump The Joke Man:
What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.

Stump The Joke Man:
What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting her back in her wheelchair.

Jackie:
There once was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought everything came from Gd,
But it wasn't the Almighty,
Who pulled down her nightie,
It was Roger The Dodger with an eighteen-inch charger.

Jackie:
A guy stumbles into a bar and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "No more booze for you. You're too drunk to even be in
here."
The guy says, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "Take this dart. If you can even hit that target on the
wall, I'll give you a beer and a present."
The guy throws the dart and it hits dead center, a bulls-eye. So the
bartender gives him a beer and a box turtle that he had in a box behind the bar. A
few hours later, the guy stumbles into the bar again.
He says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "No, sir, you're way too drunk."
The guy says, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "Okay, take this dart again. If you can even hit that
target on the wall, I'll give you another beer and another present."
The guy throws the dart and it hits dead center, another bulls-eye. So the
bartender gives him a beer and a shiny new promotional corkscrew he has behind
the bar.
The guy looks at the corkscrew and says, "I don't want this thing. Gimme
another ham on a hard roll."

Jackie:
A guy goes into a luncheonette and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chile."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his fork hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Jackie:
A kid says, "Pop, what's a vagina look like?"
His father says, "Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a pink rose, with soft, lovely petals, and the aroma of perfume."
The kid says, "What about after sex?"
His father says, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"