Jackie's Joke Hunt 32
Jackie's Joke Hunt Joke Pages
Joke Hunt Thirty-Two - The Toke Hunt
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my fucking toast."
Three guys are arguing at a party about who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember my mother putting on my diaper."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember being born."
The third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to a party with my father and coming home with my mother."
The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
The young brave says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?' George say-um, 'Cannot tell lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.' Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.' Now I ask-um you again...you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
The young brave says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The Chief grabs the kid and beats the crap out of him.
The young brave says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth...why you beat-um crap out of me?"
The Chief says, "George Washington's father not in cherry tree when George chop-um down."
A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been fucked."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "You're fucked now."
There once was a lady from Rizes,
Whose tits were of different sizes,
One was quite small,
Hardly mattered at all,
But the other was huge, and won prizes.
listener:
What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head when they ran out of weed?
"Jesus Christ, this band sucks."
Mr. Knowzalott:
How can you tell the Polish Jew at The Wailing Wall?
He's the one with the harpoon.
Dirty Johnny catches his father opening a prophylactic.
He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"
His father says, "Son...uh...son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."
Johnny says, "Yeah? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"
listener:
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
listener:
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He reads lips.
Willie Nelson:
Billie Roy, the cabin boy,
Was a dirty little nipper...
He lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.
listener:
Why'd the feminist cross the road?
To suck my cock.
Ian:
Why'd the pothead cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken?
There once was a fellow named Norris,
Who liked to dine on clitoris,
First, he would eat it,
Then he would beat it,
Then he would rinse with Lavoris.
Cocktail, ginger ale, five cents a glass...
If you don't like it, stick it up your...
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,
I got hit with a bucket of shit
Right between the eyes.
Saran Wrap is 50 years old today.
Well, it's actually 52 years old, but it took two years to get the roll started.
Why'd so many black guys die in Viet Nam?
Because every time somebody yelled, "Get down," they'd get up and dance.
How can you tell if the Easter Bunny is a faggot?
Take a whiff and see if the carrot you left out for him smells like shit.
How do you say brassiere in German?
Stoppenzumfrumfloppen.
New gay sitcom:
"Leave it, it's beaver."
What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
Clitty litter.
Stump The Joke Man:
What would you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
Poupourri.
A gynecologist comes home from work.
His wife says, "Are you tired?"
He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off.
What's the difference between a white cow and a black cow?
A white cow goes, "Moo", and a black cow goes, "Moo out de way."
How about the Polish guy who was jerking off in a restaurant because the sign said, "First come, first served?"
What would you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cunsuelo.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
You ought to get that by Wednesday.
The Polish general's about to go into battle, and he can't decide which uniform to wear.
One of his top aides says, "Well, General, whenever Napoleon was about to go into battle, he'd put on a red uniform. That way, if he was wounded, his men wouldn't be able to tell, and they wouldn't panic."
The general says, "Very good, Stukowski. Get me my brown uniform."
A girl goes to the doctor.
She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out, I'm freakin' out. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he starts to examine her, and he starts to giggle.
She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."
A duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No, we haven’t got any grapes."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "Listen, Daffy, this is the third day in a row I’m telling you we haven’t got any grapes. You walk in here and ask for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the 7-11.
He says, "Do you have any nails?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck says, "Good. Have you got any grapes?"
Quasimodo's sitting in the kitchen, when his mother walks in carrying a wok.
He says, "Unh. Good. I love Chinese food."
She says, "What are you talking, 'Chinese food?' I'm gonna use this thing to iron your shirts."
A guy thinks his wife is cheating on him, so he hires the world's best Chinese private eye, Hung Lo. After six weeks, he hasn't seen or heard from him. Finally one day, Hung Lo rolls into his office in a wheel chair. Both legs are broken, both arms are broken, he's in a body cast, and he's got on a neck brace.
He says, "Hung Lo, what happened to you?"
Hung Lo says, "Wha-so...I exprain wha happen. For weeks I am forrowing your wife. Forrow, forrow, forrow. Finary, one day, I forrow her to hotel. She meet boyfren in robby. Robby? I stay outside hotel. They go up in elevator, I go up in tree. They go in room, I go out on rimb. They sit on couch, I sit on rimb. He take off her shirt, she take off his shirt...I take off my shirt. She take off his pants, he take off her pants...I take off my pants. He pray with she...she pray with he...I pray with me, fall out of the fuckin' tree."
How many Catholics does it take to plan a trip to Israel?
Two. One to ask, "when," and one to ask, "why?"
Two priests are standing at a urinal. The first one looks down and sees a Nicoderm patch on the other one's dick.
He says, "You're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not on your penis."
The second one says, "Well, it's working. I'm down to two butts a day."
The Word Game, Hunt 32:
capitalized it looks like a pair of boobs
a hole
Wile Coyote's middle initial
a baseball strike out
let's smoke a ____
your former wife is your ___
now, lose the first and the last letters, and then unscramble...
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 31:
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 31:
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After two years, the job still sucks.
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 31:
What do you get if you lick a Girl Scout?
Ten years.
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 32:
What would you call the bouncer at a gay bar?
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 32:
Why is sex better than bowling?
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 32:
How do you make Polish sausage?
How fat was she?
She's got boogers the size of Swedish meatballs.
How fat was she?
We use a pair of her panties for a hammock.
How fat was she?
Her snatch has a porch.
listener:
There's a rabbit walking through the woods, and he comes upon a deer, and the deer's rolling a joint.
The rabbit says, "Hey, deer, I love you, man, don't smoke that stuff. Enjoy life with me and come through the woods."
So the deer follows. They're walking through the woods and they see a skunk cutting up some cocaine.
The rabbit says, "Hey, skunk, I love you, bro, don't do that cocaine. Enjoy life with us and come through the woods."
So he follows the deer and the rabbit. They walk up on a bear, and he's fixing up a rig of heroin, about to shoot up some heroin.
The rabbit says, "Bear, man, don't do that, bro, I love you, man..."
The bear slaps the shit out of the rabbit and he goes flying through the woods.
The skunk and the deer go, "What the hell'd you do that for?"
The bear says, "Every time that little fucker eats ecstasy, he comes around here telling me how much he loves me."
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
What's the difference between a stoner and a drunk?
A stoner doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.
Ian:
Why's a roach clip called a roach clip?
Because potholder was already taken.
listener:
What's the difference between a stoner and a drunk?
A drunk will go through a Stop sign, but a stoner will wait for it to turn green.
See you next Tuesday, for:
"At Your Cervix...Tales of Gynecologists, & Other Less Fortunate Doctors"