There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.

It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."

A guy walks into a delicatessen.
He says, "Can I have a baloney?"
The counterman says, "You want me to slice it up?"
The guy says, "Does my fanny look like a piggy bank?"

A couple's in the living room.
He says, "You're dry tonight."
She says, "You're licking the rug."

Favale says to his wife, "Were you faking it last night?"
She says, "No, I was really asleep."

Leeds says to his wife, "How about a quickie?"
She says, "As opposed to what?"

An old guy says to the doctor, "Doc, I can't pee."
The doctor says, "How old are you?"
The guy says, "Ninety-six."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough."

Brrinngg! ... the bell rings at the whorehouse. A girl answers the door, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs.
She says, "What do you think you're gonna do in here?"
He says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"

A nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
He says, "I'm writing a prescription."
She says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole has my pen."

Two eagles are flying along when a jet screams past them.
One eagle says, "Man...did you see how fast that thing was going?"
The other eagle says, "You'd go that fast, too, if you're asshole was on fire."

A high school couple's in the movies.
The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."
He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."

Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby.
The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."

A gynecologist comes home from work, he's exhausted.
His wife says, "Are you tired?"
He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."

Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.
He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb."

A Polish family's sitting in the living room.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y, so we can fuck."

An drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest bangs on the wall.
The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy. There's no paper in this one, either."

Sabean calls the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you've got to come right over. I swallowed a fifty-cent piece two years ago."
The doctor says, "Why didn't you call me two years ago?"
Sabean says, "Two years ago I didn't need the money."

A crane is standing in a foot of water when he bends over and swallows an eel. The eel wiggles down the crane's throat, through his stomach, and out his ass. The crane bends over and swallows him again, and the eel wiggles down the crane's throat, through his stomach, and out his ass. The crane bends over and swallows him again.
As the eel's wiggling down the crane's throat, the crane bends way over, sticks his bill deep into his asshole, and says, "Loop the loop, mother fucker."

Stump The Listener 223:
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There's no roads between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Stump The Listener 223:
How do you best describe a Jewish gigolo?
In it for the money.

Stump The Listener 223:
What's the quietest place in the world?
The Complaint Department at the parachute packing plant.

Stump The Listener 223:
Why do olives come in tall jars?
So the Italians'll have a place to keep their combs.

Stump The Listener 223:
Why are turds tapered at the end?
So your asshole won't slam shut.

Stump The Listener 223:
How can you tell if a house was landscaped by a blonde?
All the bushes are brown.

Stump The Listener 223:
What'd the Chinese girl say when she slid down the bannister?
Holee smokee.

Stump The Listener 223:
How can you tell if The Easter Bunny is gay?
The carrot you left out for him smells like shit.

Stump The Listener 224:
What's black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?
Vinnie Favale fixing an electric light socket.

Stump The Listener 224:
What's hairy and sticks out of a man pajamas at night?
His head.

Stump The Listener 224:
What's the lesbian motto?
No penis between us.

Stump The Listener 224:
What's the speed limit on Highway 69?
Lickety split.

Stump The Listener 224:
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.

Stump The Listener 224:
Where does a gorilla sit at Yankee Stadium?
Anywhere he wants.

Stump The Listener 224:
What's the funniest thing in the world?
Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight.

Stump The Listener 224:
What's the best way to log on to a gay web site?
See colon enter.

What did God say when Eve jumped in the lake?
Fuck, now the fish are going to smell like that.

A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
He says, "I, uh, masturbated with them."
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."

How do you get a fat girl in bed?
Piece of cake.

Nelson lands in the middle of nowhere in Alaska for his new job as a lumberjack.
The boss comes over and says, "All right, we work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep at ten, three meals a day. And you see the hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"
He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel."

A girl goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like a box of condoms."
The druggist says, "Don't want to have any kids, eh?"
She says, "No, my boyfriend doesn't want to get any shit on his cock."

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
H's really embarrassed, and the guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal, we all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar,' but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"

An engaged woman, a married woman, and a mistress decide that one night they’re going to wear S&M-style leather, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes, and see what happens with their partners.
When they meet a few days later, the engaged woman says, "Last night, when my boyfriend came home, I was wearing the leather, the stilettos, and the mask, he said, 'Wow...you're incredible. I love you,' and we made love all night long."
The mistress says, "Last night, when we met in his office, I was wearing leather, stilettos, a mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. He just grabbed me and we had wild sex all night."
The married woman says, "Last night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, and then got myself into the leather, the stilettos, and the mask. My husband walked in from work, grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?' "

There's a knock on the door, and when Harry answers it, he looks down and sees a snail looking up at him. So he kicks the snail as far as he can.
Two years later, there's another knock on the door. Harry answers the door, and there's the snail.
The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"

A guy robs a bank and takes hostages.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes," and the robber shoots him in the head.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."

Mrs. Favale gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her pussy when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. Favale pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge.
The neighbor says, "I'll go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs, that'll break the suction, and then we can lift her up."
Favale says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?"
Favale says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."

Why do they call the space between a woman's asshole and her vagina a driving range?
Because that's where a guy hits his balls.

How can you tell if a termite's gay?
He only eats male boxes.

What's the difference between a mussel and an oyster?
Age.

What's the difference between a doctor and an architect?
A doctor buries his mistakes, architects plant ivy.

Marlow at The Mohegan Sun, 2011

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a bartender?
Santa Claus only has to look at eight assholes.

What's the difference between a monkey and a midget?
A monkey doesn't freak me out.

What's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
Donald Trump's tie.

How do Mexicans take a family portrait?
They all jam into the front seat and run a red light.