Jackie's Joke Hunt Joke Pages Joke Hunt 224 - Doggie Bag Radio
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.
It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."
A guy walks into a delicatessen.
He says, "Can I have a baloney?"
The counterman says, "You want me to slice it up?"
The guy says, "Does my fanny look like a piggy bank?"
A couple's in the living room.
He says, "You're dry tonight."
She says, "You're licking the rug."
Favale says to his wife, "Were you faking it last night?"
She says, "No, I was really asleep."
Leeds says to his wife, "How about a quickie?"
She says, "As opposed to what?"
An old guy says to the doctor, "Doc, I can't pee."
The doctor says, "How old are you?"
The guy says, "Ninety-six."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough."
Brrinngg! ... the bell rings at the whorehouse. A girl answers the door, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs.
She says, "What do you think you're gonna do in here?"
He says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"
A nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
He says, "I'm writing a prescription."
She says, "But you're holding your thermometer."
He says, "Jesus Christ, some asshole has my pen."
Two eagles are flying along when a jet screams past them.
One eagle says, "Man...did you see how fast that thing was going?"
The other eagle says, "You'd go that fast, too, if you're asshole was on fire."
A high school couple's in the movies.
The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."
He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."
Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby.
The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."
A gynecologist comes home from work, he's exhausted.
His wife says, "Are you tired?"
He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."
Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.
He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb."
A Polish family's sitting in the living room.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y, so we can fuck."
An drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest bangs on the wall.
The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy. There's no paper in this one, either."
Sabean calls the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you've got to come right over. I swallowed a fifty-cent piece two years ago."
The doctor says, "Why didn't you call me two years ago?"
Sabean says, "Two years ago I didn't need the money."
A crane is standing in a foot of water when he bends over and swallows an eel. The eel wiggles down the crane's throat, through his stomach, and out his ass. The crane bends over and swallows him again, and the eel wiggles down the crane's throat, through his stomach, and out his ass. The crane bends over and swallows him again.
As the eel's wiggling down the crane's throat, the crane bends way over, sticks his bill deep into his asshole, and says, "Loop the loop, mother fucker."
Stump The Listener 223:
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There's no roads between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Stump The Listener 223:
How do you best describe a Jewish gigolo?
In it for the money.
Stump The Listener 223:
What's the quietest place in the world?
The Complaint Department at the parachute packing plant.
Stump The Listener 223:
Why do olives come in tall jars?
So the Italians'll have a place to keep their combs.
Stump The Listener 223:
Why are turds tapered at the end?
So your asshole won't slam shut.
Stump The Listener 223:
How can you tell if a house was landscaped by a blonde?
All the bushes are brown.
Stump The Listener 223:
What'd the Chinese girl say when she slid down the bannister?
Holee smokee.
Stump The Listener 223:
How can you tell if The Easter Bunny is gay?
The carrot you left out for him smells like shit.
Stump The Listener 224:
What's black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?
Vinnie Favale fixing an electric light socket.
Stump The Listener 224:
What's hairy and sticks out of a man pajamas at night?
His head.
Stump The Listener 224:
What's the lesbian motto?
No penis between us.
Stump The Listener 224:
What's the speed limit on Highway 69?
Lickety split.
Stump The Listener 224:
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.
Stump The Listener 224:
Where does a gorilla sit at Yankee Stadium?
Anywhere he wants.
Stump The Listener 224:
What's the funniest thing in the world?
Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight.
Stump The Listener 224:
What's the best way to log on to a gay web site?
See colon enter.
What did God say when Eve jumped in the lake?
Fuck, now the fish are going to smell like that.
A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve.
She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
He says, "I, uh, masturbated with them."
That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?"
He says, "Of course. All the time."
She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?"
He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend."
How do you get a fat girl in bed?
Piece of cake.
Nelson lands in the middle of nowhere in Alaska for his new job as a lumberjack.
The boss comes over and says, "All right, we work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep at ten, three meals a day. And you see the hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."
Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"
He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel."
A girl goes up to the drugstore counter and says, "I'd like a box of condoms."
The druggist says, "Don't want to have any kids, eh?"
She says, "No, my boyfriend doesn't want to get any shit on his cock."
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
H's really embarrassed, and the guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal, we all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar,' but I accidentally said, 'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
An engaged woman, a married woman, and a mistress decide that one night they’re going to wear S&M-style leather, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes, and see what happens with their partners.
When they meet a few days later, the engaged woman says, "Last night, when my boyfriend came home, I was wearing the leather, the stilettos, and the mask, he said, 'Wow...you're incredible. I love you,' and we made love all night long."
The mistress says, "Last night, when we met in his office, I was wearing leather, stilettos, a mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. He just grabbed me and we had wild sex all night."
The married woman says, "Last night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, and then got myself into the leather, the stilettos, and the mask. My husband walked in from work, grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?' "
There's a knock on the door, and when Harry answers it, he looks down and sees a snail looking up at him. So he kicks the snail as far as he can.
Two years later, there's another knock on the door. Harry answers the door, and there's the snail.
The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
A guy robs a bank and takes hostages.
He says to the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage says, "Yes," and the robber shoots him in the head.
The robber says to the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."
Mrs. Favale gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her pussy when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. Favale pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge.
The neighbor says, "I'll go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs, that'll break the suction, and then we can lift her up."
Favale says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?"
Favale says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."
see you next Tuesday...
Jackie's Joke Hunt 224, Doggie Bag Radio
Stump The Listener 218:
Why do women have legs?
So their feet won't smell like pussy.
Stump The Listener 218:
What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
Friedman goes to Hell and is met by the devil.
The devil says, "The punishments are changed every thousand years. You have three choices."
They open the door to the first room and there's a young guy strapped to a pole, being whipped. They open the door to the second room and there's a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. They open the door to the third room there's an old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a pretty blonde.
Friedman says, "I'll take the third room."
The devil taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, you can stop. This guy is replacing you."
Stump The Listener 218:
What'd one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How're we gonna find an egg in all this shit?
Stump The Listener 218:
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
A guy moves next door to a porn star. He goes on a date, and the next day he's in the front yard mowing his lawn.
The porn star says, "How was your date?"
The guy says, "I only got to first base."
The porn star says, "Well, at least you got your asshole licked."
Stump The Listener 218:
What's a wonder?
You stick your finger in your girlfriend's asshole, and then take it out, and if it doesn't smell like shit, it's a wonder.
Stump The Listener 218:
What's the difference between a man's legs and a woman's legs?
The same set of balls is always dangling between a man's legs.
Stump The Listener 218:
What do Pakistani women use for feminine hygiene?
Hindouche.
Stump The Listener 218:
Which of these doesn't fit...a television, a refrigerator, a washing machine, and a woman.
The television. The other three leak when they're fucked.
Favale says to Leeds, "I learned an important life lesson today. I'm getting married in a few weeks, and I went over to my fiancee's house to look at the wedding invitations. She wasn't home, so her mother sat me down to show them to me. And her mother's sexy as hell. As we were looking at the invitations, she started rubbing my leg. Then she worked her way slowly up to the tops of my thighs, and after she knew damn well I had a raging hard-on, she asked me if I'd take her upstairs and fuck her. I got up and left. As I walked out the front door, her father was standing there, and he said, 'You passed our little test, son. Glad to have you in the family.'"
Leeds says, "So what's the life lesson?"
Favale says, "Always keep your rubbers in the glove compartment."
Stump The Listener 216:
How's a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat 'em.
Stump The Listener 216:
You have a donkey and I have a rooster. Your donkey bites off both of my
rooster's feet and eats them. What do you have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.
why we go to The Carnegie Deli
Stump The Listener 216:
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
Stump The Listener 216:
How can you tell if a house has been built by lesbians?
It's all tongue-in-groove, no studs.
Stump The Listener 216:
Where do porn stars go to college?
Fuck U.
Stump The Listener 216:
What would you call a bunch of Polish guys wearing turbans?
A Pakistanleys.
Stump The Listener 216:
What's safe sex in West Virginia?
That's when they brand the sheep that kick.
Stump The Listener 216:
How's a pizza delivery boy like a gynecologist?
They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
What do way too many married couples have in common? Neither of the partners likes to suck cock.
Jackie's Joke Hunt 216, "two." Tuesday night, March 22nd, 2011, guest stars the terrific burlesque troupe "The Paper Dolls" The troupe is the brainchild of the lovely Kirsten Lewis.
I met the girls last week on All Night With Joey Reynolds, and couldn't resist dragging them onto the radio show. I'm betting Ian McKean will enjoy them, not to mention Jirish, The Cheesie & Matt Who's Where It's At. Can't wait to hear the pretty girls read the wildest two-line jokes I could muster.
What do you call it if you have sex with three women at the race track? A trifuckter.
February 4, 2009
Sid Bernstein Rides With The Hunt
Last night the legendary promoter Sid Bernstein rode with the boys on Jackie's Joke Hunt 110, "The New York Hunt."
Even though he was a little embarrassed here & there, Sid had a grand old time... & even told these two jokes...
Why do Jewish guys watch porno movies backwards? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Two eagles are flying along when a jet screams past them.
One eagle says, "Man, did you see how fast that thing was going?"
The other eagle says, "You'd go that fast, too, if you're asshole was on fire."
Sid Bernstein, Jackie Marlow
Sandy Hicks, Sid Bernstein, Sue Costello, Jackie Marlow
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my fucking toast."
Three guys are arguing at a party about who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember my mother putting on my diaper."
The second guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember being born."
The third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to a party with my father and coming home with my mother."
The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
The young brave says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, 'Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?' George say-um, 'Cannot tell lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.' Him father say, 'Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.' Now I ask-um you again...you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?"
The young brave says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff."
The Chief grabs the kid and beats the crap out of him.
The young brave says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth...why you beat-um crap out of me?"
The Chief says, "George Washington's father not in cherry tree when George chop-um down."
A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been fucked."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "You're fucked now."
There once was a lady from Rizes,
Whose tits were of different sizes,
One was quite small,
Hardly mattered at all,
But the other was huge, and won prizes.
listener:
What did one Dead Head say to the other Dead Head when they ran out of weed?
"Jesus Christ, this band sucks."
Mr. Knowzalott:
How can you tell the Polish Jew at The Wailing Wall?
He's the one with the harpoon.
Dirty Johnny catches his father opening a prophylactic.
He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"
His father says, "Son...uh...son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."
Johnny says, "Yeah? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"
listener:
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
listener:
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He reads lips.
Willie Nelson:
Billie Roy, the cabin boy,
Was a dirty little nipper...
He lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.
listener:
Why'd the feminist cross the road?
To suck my cock.
Ian:
Why'd the pothead cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken?
There once was a fellow named Norris,
Who liked to dine on clitoris,
First, he would eat it,
Then he would beat it,
Then he would rinse with Lavoris.
Cocktail, ginger ale, five cents a glass...
If you don't like it, stick it up your...
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,
I got hit with a bucket of shit
Right between the eyes.
Saran Wrap is 50 years old today.
Well, it's actually 52 years old, but it took two years to get the roll started.
Why'd so many black guys die in Viet Nam?
Because every time somebody yelled, "Get down," they'd get up and dance.
How can you tell if the Easter Bunny is a faggot?
Take a whiff and see if the carrot you left out for him smells like shit.
How do you say brassiere in German? Stoppenzumfrumfloppen.
New gay sitcom:
"Leave it, it's beaver."
What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
Clitty litter.
Stump The Joke Man:
What would you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
Poupourri.
A gynecologist comes home from work.
His wife says, "Are you tired?"
He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."
Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off.
What's the difference between a white cow and a black cow?
A white cow goes, "Moo", and a black cow goes, "Moo out de way."
How about the Polish guy who was jerking off in a restaurant because the sign said, "First come, first served?"
What would you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cunsuelo.
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
You ought to get that by Wednesday.
The Polish general's about to go into battle, and he can't decide which uniform to wear.
One of his top aides says, "Well, General, whenever Napoleon was about to go into battle, he'd put on a red uniform. That way, if he was wounded, his men wouldn't be able to tell, and they wouldn't panic."
The general says, "Very good, Stukowski. Get me my brown uniform."
A girl goes to the doctor.
She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out, I'm freakin' out. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he starts to examine her, and he starts to giggle.
She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."
A duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No, we haven’t got any grapes."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "Listen, Daffy, this is the third day in a row I’m telling you we haven’t got any grapes. You walk in here and ask for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor."
The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the 7-11.
He says, "Do you have any nails?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck says, "Good. Have you got any grapes?"
Quasimodo's sitting in the kitchen, when his mother walks in carrying a wok.
He says, "Unh. Good. I love Chinese food."
She says, "What are you talking, 'Chinese food?' I'm gonna use this thing to iron your shirts."
A guy thinks his wife is cheating on him, so he hires the world's best Chinese private eye, Hung Lo. After six weeks, he hasn't seen or heard from him. Finally one day, Hung Lo rolls into his office in a wheel chair. Both legs are broken, both arms are broken, he's in a body cast, and he's got on a neck brace.
He says, "Hung Lo, what happened to you?"
Hung Lo says, "Wha-so...I exprain wha happen. For weeks I am forrowing your wife. Forrow, forrow, forrow. Finary, one day, I forrow her to hotel. She meet boyfren in robby. Robby? I stay outside hotel. They go up in elevator, I go up in tree. They go in room, I go out on rimb. They sit on couch, I sit on rimb. He take off her shirt, she take off his shirt...I take off my shirt. She take off his pants, he take off her pants...I take off my pants. He pray with she...she pray with he...I pray with me, fall out of the fuckin' tree."
How many Catholics does it take to plan a trip to Israel?
Two. One to ask, "when," and one to ask, "why?"
Two priests are standing at a urinal. The first one looks down and sees a Nicoderm patch on the other one's dick.
He says, "You're supposed to put that patch on your shoulder, not on your penis."
The second one says, "Well, it's working. I'm down to two butts a day."
The Word Game, Hunt 32:
capitalized it looks like a pair of boobs
a hole
Wile Coyote's middle initial
a baseball strike out
let's smoke a ____
your former wife is your ___ now, lose the first and the last letters, and then unscramble...
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 31:
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 31:
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After two years, the job still sucks.
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 31:
What do you get if you lick a Girl Scout?
Ten years.
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 32:
What would you call the bouncer at a gay bar?
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 32:
Why is sex better than bowling?
Stump The Listeners, Hunt 32:
How do you make Polish sausage?
How fat was she?
She's got boogers the size of Swedish meatballs.
How fat was she?
We use a pair of her panties for a hammock.
How fat was she?
Her snatch has a porch.
listener:
There's a rabbit walking through the woods, and he comes upon a deer, and the deer's rolling a joint.
The rabbit says, "Hey, deer, I love you, man, don't smoke that stuff. Enjoy life with me and come through the woods."
So the deer follows. They're walking through the woods and they see a skunk cutting up some cocaine.
The rabbit says, "Hey, skunk, I love you, bro, don't do that cocaine. Enjoy life with us and come through the woods."
So he follows the deer and the rabbit. They walk up on a bear, and he's fixing up a rig of heroin, about to shoot up some heroin.
The rabbit says, "Bear, man, don't do that, bro, I love you, man..."
The bear slaps the shit out of the rabbit and he goes flying through the woods.
The skunk and the deer go, "What the hell'd you do that for?"
The bear says, "Every time that little fucker eats ecstasy, he comes around here telling me how much he loves me."
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
What's the difference between a stoner and a drunk?
A stoner doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.
Ian:
Why's a roach clip called a roach clip?
Because potholder was already taken.
listener:
What's the difference between a stoner and a drunk?
A drunk will go through a Stop sign, but a stoner will wait for it to turn green.
See you next Tuesday, for:
"At Your Cervix...Tales of Gynecologists, & Other Less Fortunate Doctors"
I'll be breaking a fun lie I told on Saturday night, telling a few Jackie Mason & Rodney Dangerfield stories, and of course Ian and I will be spouting jokes and breaking McClure's balls as best we can.
And the challenge of getting The Snarkle laid is of course ongoing.
Jackie:
What would you call a Jewish vagina?
A can't.
Jackie:
What's the difference between a white cow and a black cow?
A white cow goes, "Moo," and a black cow goes, "Moo out d' way."
Jackie:
Harry goes to his twentieth high school reunion, and sees an old friend. The guy has on a three-corner hat, he has a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a patch over his left eye.
Harry says, "This is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"
The guys, "I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and now I am."
Harry says, "What happened to your leg>"
The guy says, " My first day on board ship, a cannonball blew off my left leg, so they gave me a peg leg."
Harry says, "How'd you wind up with a hook?"
The guy says, "The second day, I got my right hand sliced off in a saber fight, so they gave me a hook."
Harry says, "How'd you wind up with a patch over your eye?"
The guy says, "The next day, a bunch of seagulls were flying over us. I looked up, and one of them shit in my right eye."
Harry says, "A little bird shit shouldn't cause you to lose an eye."
The guy says, "It was my first day with the hook."
Jackie:
A married couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's the front, she's the back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a walk.
As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!"
The wife says, "Bobby! Bobby! There's a bull over there and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?"
The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass...you better brace yourself."
Jackie:
You know what those little bumps are on a girls' nipple?
It's Braille for "lick here."
Jackie:
Her last gynecologist quit, he's afraid of the dark.
She took off her clothes, lied on the bed, spread her legs...I said, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change." XXXXX
Jackie:
What's a good indication that you have a good sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows.
Jackie:
A midget was missing...
So they put his face on a carton of Half & Half.
Stump The Joke Man:
Did you hear about the gay midget?
He came out of the cupboard.
Jackie:
Why was the midget thrown out of the nudist colony?
For telling all the girls, "Gee, your hair smells terrific."
Jackie:
Did you hear about the Polish midget?
He's six foot three.
Jackie:
How can you tell if a midget's having her period?
She keeps tripping over the string.
Stump The Joke Man:
What did the ghost say to the black guy?
"Jig-a-boo!"
Stump The Joke Man:
Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat.
He says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can."
She says, "How will that help my sore throat?"
He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters."
Jackie:
I did a show for two hundred midgets.
I got a standing ovation and I didn't even know it.
Stump The Joke Man:
Did you hear about the midget prostitute?
You pay her to go up on you.
Jackie:
How would you describe a midget prostitute?
A little fucker about this tall.
Stump The Joke Man:
What's a crying shame?
A bus full of lawyers going off a cliff with two empty seats.
Stump The Joke Man:
Here's two short jokes and one long joke...joke, joke, jjoooookkkeeee.
Stump The Joke Man:
What did one homo's prick say to the other homo's prick?
Nothing. They were both stuck up assholes.
Jackie:
What did one ball say to the other ball?
"Why should we hang? Dick did all the shooting."
"La te Da"
commercials
Jackie CD, The Joke Man:
A Polish family is sitting around the living room.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y, so we can fuck."
Jackie CD, F. jackie:
A guy's in a bar when an older guy walks in.
The older guy says to the younger guy, "I fuck your mother."
He goes and sits down, and the younger guy keeps drinking.
A few minutes later, the older guy gets up and says, "Your mother sucks my cock."
The bartender can't believe it doesn't get a rise out of the younger guy, but he keeps drinking.
A few minutes later the older guy gets up and says, "I fuck your mother in her asshole."
The younger guy says, "Pop, you're drunk. Go home."
Jackie CD, F. jackie:
What's a gay guy's favorite time of day?
Ate a cock.
That's the stupidest joke in my act, but you'll tell it to everybody you see for the next week.
Jackie CD, The Joke Man:
Where would you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Jackie CD, Sgt. Pecker:
Guiseppi walks into work.
He says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Guiseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!"
A couple of days later, Guiseppi walks into work and says, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Guiseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!"
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Guiseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your old lady while you're in night school."
Jackie CD, The Joke Man:
Confucius say:
Schoolboy who fool around with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
Jackie CD, F. jackie:
A guy's weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell out a few blocks back?"
The guy says, "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."
Stump The Joke Man:
What would you call a Puerto Rican midget?
A speck.
Stump The Joke Man:
Why do they bury black people ten feet in the ground?
Because deep down they're all right.
Stump The Joke Man:
Where does a midget hide from a tornado?
In a pothole.
Jackie:
Two midgets chip in for a lottery ticket, and they win, so to celebrate, they get two motel rooms next to each other, and two hookers. They each go into a room with a girls. The first midget just sits there, staring at the girl. All night, he just stares at her. He's a midget, he doesn't know what to say to a whore.
And the whole night he hears from next door, "Unh! Oh! Uhn! Oh!"
The next morning the two midgets walk out of their motel rooms.
The first midget says, "I didn't know what to say to her."
The second midget says, "I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."
Stump The Joke Man:
How do they celebrate Halloween in West Virginia?
The pump kin.
Stump The Joke Man:
Three midgets meet in front of The World Headquarters for The Guinness Book of World Records.
The first midget says, "I'm gonna go in and get into The Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's smallest hands," and he goes in.
He comes out a few minutes later, and says, "I did it. I'm now in The Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's smallest hands."
The second midget says, "I'm gonna go in and get into The Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's smallest feet," and he goes in.
He comes out a few minutes later, and says, "I did it. I'm now in The Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's smallest feet."
The third midget says, "I'm gonna go in and get into The Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's smallest penis."
He comes out a few minutes later, and he's in tears.
The first midget says, "What happened?"
The third midget says, "I only got into The Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's second smallest penis...who the fuck is David Friedman?"
Stump The Joke Man:
How did the priest know the nun was on the rag?
He tasted blood on the altar boy's cock.
Stump The Joke Man:
A black guy goes to Heaven and says to God, "Make me an angel."
Go says, "Fuck you, you're a bat."
Stump The Joke Man:
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want anybody to know he's fucking chickens.
Stump The Joke Man:
A midget rings the bell on Halloween, a lady answers, and he says, "Trick or treat."
She sees the little guy is fifty years old, so she says, "You're too old. You'll have to do a trick to get a treat."
He says, "Okay, I'll do my disappearing human trick. I'll come in and fuck the shit out of you and then I'll disappear."
Jackie:
A guy goes to the doctor.
He says, "Doc, my hearing's going. I can't even hear myself fart."
The doctor says, "Take these pills every day for a week."
The guy says, "Will they make me hear better?"
The doctor says, "They'll make you fart louder."
Jackie:
A guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws the monkey a peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.
The guy goes, "Yuk!"
He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, "Man, that is one very stupid monkey."
The zookeeper says, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first."
Jackie:
A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment. They go into her bedroom, and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there's a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys. He fucks her.
They get done, and he says, "How was I?"
She says, "Take anything from the bottom shelf."
Jackie:
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
After you fuck her, they stay and talk to her.
Stump The Joke Man:
Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
They're worth it.
Jackie:
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
Jackie:
A nun's sitting on a plane next to a priest and she's doing a crossword puzzle.
She says, "Father, what's a four-letter word ending in ‘u-n-t' that means a kind of woman?"
The priest says, "Aunt."
The nun says, "Have you got an eraser?"
Jackie:
What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?
Looking for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.
Jackie:
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."
Jackie:
There was an old lady, who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children her cunt fell off.
The GrossMaster:
Why does a dog lick his butt?
Because he knows that in five minutes he'll be licking your face.
Ian:
Why does a dog lick his butt?
Because he can.
Jackie:
Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He examines her.
He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen."
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a huge mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, and stands on the mirror. She's just about to look down when her husband walks in early from work.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Ummm...I'm just exercising."
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."
Jackie:
Two guys go home with a disgusting woman. The first guy goes into the bedroom with her and comes out screaming, with his dick all cut up and bleeding.
The second guy goes in, and comes out going, "Ahhh! That was great!"
The first guy says, "Her twat cut me to shreds. What did you do?"
The second guy says, "I picked the scabs and slid in on pus."
Jackie:
A guy goes into a whorehouse and says to the madam, "I'm in the mood for something really different."
The madam says, "No problem. Madge, take this guy upstairs and sixty-nine with him."
The girl leads him upstairs into a room, they both get undressed, she lies him down on the bed, and she's just going down on him, and sticking his face when llbbt!), se cracks a rat right on his nose. He pushes her off, gets up, and starts getting dressed.
She says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I don't think I can handle sixty-eight more of those."
Jackie:
Dirty Johnny's at the dinner table and he says, "Today I learned to talk like a construction worker."
His mother says, "Really? Why don't you show us."
Johnny says, "Okay, Ma. All right, Charlie, lower it...lower...lower...dat's good...now move it to the right...a little more...now back to the left a bit...now, just a cunt hair to the right."
song:
"Around Every Bend"
commercials
Jackie CD:
A guy goes to a barber shop, sits down in the chair, the barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as the guy gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. Takes a piss! The barber finishes and comes back.
As the guy hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but why...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with the guy's change. When he comes back, the guy's standing there taking a shit on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
The guy says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."
Henny:
A new salesman in one of those new-fangled drug stores that carries thousands of items sells three thousand dollars worth of fishing equipment to a customer. The boss is amazed.
The boss says, "How'd you manage to sell three thousand dollars of fishing equipment on your first day?"
He says, "A man came in and asked for a box of Tampax for his wife. I said, ‘While you're not doing anything, why don't you go fishing?' "
Jackie CD:
A slug is sexually assaulted by two turtles. The slug's on the witness stand.
The judge says, "All right...which one of them went first?"
The slug says, "I don't know, your Honor...everything happened so fast."
Jackie CD:
What do you say to a girl with no tits?
Nothing.
Jackie CD:
Do you know why they call it a "Wonder Bra?"
Because when she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Jackie CD:
Did you hear about the gay whale?
He bit the end off a submarine and sucked out all the semen.
Jackie CD:
Liz Taylor says to her doctor, "I have a new boyfriend, and he's only sixteen...I want you to operate on my private parts to make them smaller. I want to have the vagina of a sixteen year old. And this has to be our secret...no leaks, no tabloids."
When Liz wakes up after the operation, her doctor is standing there. She looks at the foot of the bed, and sees three bouquets of flowers.
She says, "How could you do this? I told you this was a secret."
The doctor says, "Liz, relax. The first bouquet is from me. The second bouquet is from the anesthesiologist. He worked side by side with me on your operation, he's gay, and he's one of your biggest fans. He won't tell a soul. And the third bouquet is from a guy in the Burn Unit who wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Jackie CD:
What do you get when you cross an Italian dictator with a black guy?
Moosecockolini.
Jackie CD:
How do you keep a bunch of Puerto Ricans from ripping off your house?
Put a ‘Now Hiring' sign in the window.
How fat was she?
I'll tell you, you know a girl's fat if she sits on a Moped and you can't hear the engine...
How fat was she?
She was lying on the bed naked, with her legs spread...I didn't know whether to fuck her or take the burro ride down...
Stump The Joke Man:
What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
Stump The Joke Man:
What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting her back in her wheelchair.
Jackie:
There once was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought everything came from Gd,
But it wasn't the Almighty,
Who pulled down her nightie,
It was Roger The Dodger with an eighteen-inch charger.
Jackie:
A guy stumbles into a bar and says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "No more booze for you. You're too drunk to even be in
here."
The guy says, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "Take this dart. If you can even hit that target on the
wall, I'll give you a beer and a present."
The guy throws the dart and it hits dead center, a bulls-eye. So the
bartender gives him a beer and a box turtle that he had in a box behind the bar. A
few hours later, the guy stumbles into the bar again.
He says, "Bartender, gimme a beer."
The bartender says, "No, sir, you're way too drunk."
The guy says, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "Okay, take this dart again. If you can even hit that
target on the wall, I'll give you another beer and another present."
The guy throws the dart and it hits dead center, another bulls-eye. So the
bartender gives him a beer and a shiny new promotional corkscrew he has behind
the bar.
The guy looks at the corkscrew and says, "I don't want this thing. Gimme
another ham on a hard roll."
Jackie:
A guy goes into a luncheonette and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chile."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his fork hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Jackie:
A kid says, "Pop, what's a vagina look like?"
His father says, "Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a pink rose, with soft, lovely petals, and the aroma of perfume."
The kid says, "What about after sex?"
His father says, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Jackie:
Two women are driving along in the country and they both have to pee really badly, so they pull off the road and climb over a fence into a graveyard. The first woman pees behind a tombstone, finds nothing to wipe with, so she wipes with her panties and leaves them there. The second woman pees behind a tombstone next to a fresh grave, and uses a ribbon from a wreath to wipe herself. The next day the husbands are talking on the phone.
The first husband says, "We gotta start keeping an eye on our wives. Yesterday my wife came home with no panties."
The second husband says, "That's nothing. Yesterday my wife came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, ‘We're all really gonna miss you.' "
Jackie:
A blonde crashes into a wall.
A cop shows up and says, "What happened?"
The blonde says, "I was driving along when a tree jumped out in front of me. I swerved to miss it, and another tree jumped out in front of me. I swerved to miss it, and another tree jumped out in front of me."
The cop says, "Lady, there isn't a tree on this road for thirty miles. That was your fucking air freshener."
Jackie:
A lady walks into a sex shop and says to the salesman, "Where are all the dildos?"
He says, "They're on the wall, lady..."
She says, "I'll take a red one..."
He says, "No, lady. The dildos are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."
Jackie:
What's black on the outside and white on the inside?
Len Bias' nose.
Jackie:
How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?
Fill up her cunt with shit.
Jackie:
My ex-wife. What an asshole.
And her tits weren't bad, either.
Jackie:
A couple goes to the marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor says, "I think we should start with what you have in common."
The husband says, "Neither of us likes to suck cock."
Stump The Joke Man:
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With Tostida chips.
song:
"Charlie's Shuffle"
commercial
Jackie CD "Come Again?":
A lady has a baby, and all it is, is a head. Nothing but a head. Just a dog-gone head. That's all it is, is a head. So what's she gonna do, she puts it at the top of the stairs, on a table, facing out the window. It's the least she can do. For eighteen years, here's the head...
Eighteen years. Finally, one day the phone rings, she answers it, and it's the hospital.
A doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, there's been a terrible accident. Someone was decapitated...but we saved the body, and we can put your head...well, not your head...but your head's head...the head you have at home, we can put it on top of the body, and you can have a regular son after all these years."
Needless to say, the lady is tickled pink.
She goes running up the stairs, and she says, "Bobby! Bobby! I've got the most wonderful surprise for you!"
He says, "I hope it's not another fuckin' hat."
Jackie CD "F. jackie":
A Jewish guy in New York City hails a cab. The cab's going down the street when they see a guy on the sidewalk hit a woman over the head. She goes down, and the guy starts kicking her. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.
The Jewish guy rolls down the window and says, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"
Jackie CD "F. jackie":
A midget's walking along and a beautiful blonde is walking the other way.
He says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you little fuck."
Henny:
That was the late Milton Berle. He hasn't had a blow job in so long he forgot how to do it.
Jackie CD "Sgt. Pecker":
It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."
Jackie CD "Sgt. Pecker":
A guy walks into a delicatessen.
He says (swishy), "Could I have a baloney?"
The counterman says, "You want me to slice it up?"
The guy says, "Does my fanny look like a piggy bank?"
Stump The Joke Man:
A group soldiers crosses the desert, and then they have to cross a river. They only have one camel, so they all climb on. The sergeant gets behind the ears, and the rest climb on behind him. When they get halfway across the river, the sergeant sees two big tears in the eyes of the camel.
He says to the guy behind him, "Yo, the camel is crying."
That guy passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," and he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying," he passes it back, "Yo, the camel is crying."
When they get to the guy who's riding the tail, they say, "Yo, the camel is crying," he says, "What the fuck do you want me to do? If I take it out, I'll fall off."
Jackie CD "F. jackie":
A lady says, "Doc, kiss me."
He says, "I can't."
She says, "Doc, please kiss me."
He says, "I can't."
She says, "Doc, please kiss me..."
He says, "Look, lady, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
Jackie:
A lady walks into her daughter's room, and her daughter's doing herself with her vibrator.
She says, "My God! What are you doing?"
She says, "Ma, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
A few minutes later, her father walks in, and she's doing herself with the vibrator.
He says "My God! What are you doing?"
She says "Daddy, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."
The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the kitchen, and there's the father...he's got a martini in one hand, and he's got the vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
Her mother says, "My God! What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
Jackie:
Two bananas are laying by a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, "Come on in! The water feels great!"
One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
Jackie:
A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez...you are a good sport."
Jackie:
Dirty Johnny walks into the classroom, and the teacher says, "John, why are you late?"
Johnny says, "Sorry, teach. On the way here I saw a car hit a dog in the ass."
She says, "Not ass, John. Rectum."
Johnny says, "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"
Jackie:
How ugly was she?
She was known as a "two-bagger." That's a girl who's so ugly, not only do you have to put a bag over her head, you have to put a bag over your own head in case her bag rips.
Jackie:
How fat was she?
She needed a hairdresser for each armpit.
Jackie:
How fat was she?
I took her to Yankee Stadium, and the game was called on account of one of her farts.
How fat was she?
She lied in bad, spread her legs, and I said, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."
Punch Line First:
What's black and brown and looks good on a black man?
My Doberman.
Punch Line First:
Why did the French line the Champ-Elysees with trees?
So the Nazi's could march in the shade.
Punch Line First:
The synagogue has a raffle, Cohen wins third prize, and he gets a television set. Schwartz wins second prize, and he gets an apple pie.
Schwartz says, "Cohen, you win third prize, and you get a television set, and I win second prize, and I get an apple pie? This is bullshit."
Cohen says, "That pie was baked by the rabbi's wife."
Schwartz says, "Fuck the rabbi's wife."
Cohen says, "That's first prize."
"Butch's Song"
Jackie:
A couple's on vacation. The husband goes up to a wishing well, throws in a penny...ploop! Nothing. The wife takes out a penny. She walks up, trips, ass over head, falls into the wishing well, and drowns.
He says, "Fuck...it works."
Jackie:
An old guy's sitting on a bus, and a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange, he's got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him.
He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"
The guy says, "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
Stump The Joke Man:
Did you hear about the Polish bungee jumper?
He hung himself.
Jackie:
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon?
He hung himself.
Stump The Joke Man:
Three blondes are out in the woods.
The first one says, "These are deer tracks."
The second one says, "These are bear tracks."
The third one says, "No...they're..."
And they get hit by the train.
Jackie:
How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.
Stump The Joke Man:
A nun and a priest are going across the desert on a camel when the camel drops dead. They try everything to revive it. They pound on his heart, they give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but the camel is as dead as a doornail.
The nun says to the priest, "Father, we're sure to die out here. Could you please do me a favor, Father? My entire life I've been in the convent, raised from birth to be a nun, and I've never seen what's between a man's legs. Could you help me, Father?"
Well, forget it, the priest can hardly get off his pants over his boner. He finally gets his pants off, and he's got a raging hard-on.
The nun looks, and says, "My God, Father, what's that?"
The priest says "This, my child, is what gives life."
The nun says, "Well, then, why don't you shove it up that camel's ass so we can get the fuck out of here?"
Punch Line First:
What's the hardest thing about having sex with a two year-old?
Putting the diaper back on.
Punch Line First:
Why do Polish jokes and in "ski?"
They can't spell toboggan.
Stump The Joke Man:
What's eighteen inches long and makes women scream?
Crib death.
Jackie:
A guy's walking along the beach when he trips over a bottle, picks it up, and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "Thank you. I've been stuck in that bottle for centuries. I'll tell you what...I'll give you one wish. Anything you want."
The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, and he says, "Could you bring peace to this part of the world?"
The genie says, "Gee, I don't know. They were fighting there for centuries and centuries, long before I was even trapped in the bottle. Have you got another wish?"
The guy says, "Well...could you make it so once a month my wife voluntarily wakes me up with a blow job?"
The genie says, "Let me see that map again."
Jackie:
A guy dies and goes to hell.
The Devil tells him, "You have your choice of three rooms," opens the door to the first room, and everyone is up to their waists in shit.
The Devil opens the door to the second room, and everyone is treading water in piss.
The Devil opens the door to the third room, and everyone is sitting on stools, in diarrhea up to their ankles, drinking coffee.
The guy says to The Devil, "I'll definitely take room number three."
They get him a stool, he sits down, and then bring him a up of coffee.
A few minutes later, The Devil yells, "Okay, on your heads. Coffee break's over."
Artie Lange:
A priest and a rabbi are walking along when a little boy comes walking the other way.
The priest says, "Let's fuck him."
The rabbi says, "Fuck him out of what?"
Jackie:
I was in a restaurant the other night and I saw two priests having dinner. I didn't know whether to send over a bottle of wine or a Cub Scout.
Willie Nelson:
A guy's in line at the supermarket when a blonde at the back of the line starts waving to him.
He doesn't recognize her, so he walks over and says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
She says, "I think you might be the father of one of my children."
He says, "Yow...are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
She says, "No, I think I'm your son's English teacher."
Punch Line First!
The Polish general's about to go into battle, and he can't decide which uniform to wear.
One of his top aides says, "Well, General, whenever Napoleon was about to go into battle, he'd put on a red uniform. That way, if he was wounded, his men wouldn't be able to tell, and they wouldn't panic."
The general says, "Very good, Stukowski. Get me my brown uniform."
How fat was she?
She kept her vibrator on a gun rack.
How fat was she?
Her clit had a knee.
Punch Line First!
What's an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.
Punch Line First!
Why do you wrap a gerbil in duct tape?
So it won't burst when you fuck it.
Punch Line First!
How is a Mexican like a cue ball?
The harder you hit them, the more English they pick up.
Jackie:
What did Davy Crockett say at The Alamo?
"Where'd all these landscapers come from?"
Jackie's ending joke:
It's graduation day at all-black Bedford Stuyvesant High School, and all of the kids are graduating and getting diplomas except for Rodney. He's a star basketball player who has a full scholarship to any school in the country, and the star of the football and baseball teams. He's the hero of all the students, but since he couldn't pass enough classes, he isn't going to graduate.
As the diplomas are being handed out, Rodney shows up in the back of the auditorium.
The studenst all see him, and they all start chanting, "Give Rodney a chance! Give Rodney a chance!"
So the principal says, "All right, Rodney, I's gonna axe you a kestion. If you can answer this kestion, you can gets a diploma, and you can gaduate. What am four plus two?"
Rodney says, "Eight."
The principal says, "I'm sorry, Rodney, that's the wrong answer. You can't gets a diploma, and you can't gaduate."
The students all chant, "Give Rodney another chance! Give Rodney another chance!"
The principal says, "All right, Rodney, I's gonna axe you another kestion. If you can answer this kestion, you can gets a diploma, and you can gaduate. What am five minus one?"
Rodney says, "Seven."
The principal says, "I'm sorry, Rodney, that's the wrong answer. You can't gets a diploma, and you can't gaduate."
The students all chant, "Give Rodney another chance! Give Rodney another chance!"
The principal says, "All right, Rodney, I's gonna give you one mo' chance. If you can answer this kestion, you can gets a diploma, and you can gaduate. What am three times three?"
Rodney says, "Nine."
The students pause...and then they start chanting, "Give Rodney another chance! Give Rodney another chance!"
Posted on October 5, 2006 8:01 PM
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