In the 70's Chris Bates & I actually used The Number System a lot. People in bands understand.

Here's a few of the choicest, either because we used them a lot back then or because I've explained them on Jackie's Joke Hunt.

...for the entire Colorado Number System, click on this sentence...

1. *If it was up your ass, you'd know where it was
(*1973 Number of the Year)

2. Your face is killing me
(deuce. pair. how many to tango?)

39. *Get me a beer
(*1974, 1976 Number of The Year)

44. *Stoned again...
(*1975 Number of the Year)

77. Toss that rag
(oral sex during her period...)

85. *You tell me
(little old lady jokes)(*1977 Number of the Year)

105. My first wife used to say that
(M.C., thanks) (*1978 Number of the Year)

...for the entire Colorado Number System, click on this sentence...

This is something we came up with in the 70's that I hope you get a kick out of...

The Number System was created in Colorado by a bunch of guys from Oyster Bay, N.Y. , as an aid to communication while they were working construction.

It is useful in easing communication between two or more people who know the system. It eases getting over an idea or suggestion that otherwise wouldn't be appropriate.

You'll find the numbers come up fairly often, and if you use them all the time, you will begin to sound like a jerk.

Note: This is the fourth printing of The Colorado Number System. There are other systems, such as the office series (the 800, 900 series found in many places of employment) from which we graciously swiped 843. You will find none of the competition as extensive, or ridiculous. Keep those ideas coming, and let's get to our appointed goals...we want Number One (the catch-all phrase to answer all "where is?" queries, often enamored with an appropriate adjective) to eventually be on the same popularity scale as the upraised middle finger. We can do it.

The Official Colorado Number System

0. I forget this person's name (working a goose egg)

1. *If it was up your ass, you'd know where it was
(*1973 Number of the Year)

2. Your face is killing me
(deuce. pair. how many to tango?)

3. Fuck you

4. Suck my dick

5. Eat shit
(The Thelma Thicket Add-on)

6. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch
(parrot jokes)

7. Suffer, bitch
(ant and elephant joke...animal stories)

8. I don't do that shit
(whoosh)

9. Dollar for beer
(9+1=$2, 9+2=$3, 9+asshole=keg)

10. Is a pig's ass pork?
(obvious yes answers)

11. If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass
(if...)

12. Christ, I'm horny

13. I have an old lady, I'm never horny
(not much)

14. I have a Rincoln Continentoo
(Chinee jokes)

15. Your left blinker is on
(-15, right blinker)

16. Your ass sucks jelly rolls
(dislike for someone)

17. Heel on hog
(stepped on your dick...bad mistake)

18. I have to boot
(puke)

19. Polite applause from the audience

20. I shit my pants

21. Airborne
(sudden stop in car...Bug and J.R.)

22. Hssss

23. a. change heads on #3 and #7, b. go at night
(all Polish jokes...)

24. Get drunk and go or get drunk and stay
(Fibberly)

25. Spike and the Erie Lackawanna
(nicknames... see 145)

26. We were really fucked up
(usual story intro)

27. People from Oyster Bay aren't smart, they're fun...

28. Let's book
(time to go)

29. I was born ready
(Red... ready to leave)

30. Get out d'way, the Sonics are comin'...
(the band is here)

31. Print it
(job complete)

32. We're good and we're fast
(hype the boss)

33. L.D. did it
(the obvious person to screw up, screws up)

34. Did you go to Europe?
(wearisome travel stories)

35. B.D.N.
(where have all the old lovers gone?)

36. Original good news, bad news joke
(the captain wants to go waterskiing)

37. We love you Tweety
(love for car)(King Woody, smooch)

36. Let's rap to this guy's girl

39. *Get me a beer
(*1974, 1976 Number of The Year)

40. All played out answers to, "Do you have a match?"

41. Straight yes
(liars poker)

42. Straight no
(liars poker)

43. If they want The Sonics, they'll have to wait
(late again)

44. *Stoned again...
(*1975 Number of the Year)

45. It ain't me
(someone else's misfortune)

46. Stuck carrying the mike stands
(worse in winter)

47. Hog time
(being with a girl that sends trains down dirt roads)

48. East is East, who carries the West?
(hardest part of the job)

49. If it doesn't break your balls, it doesn't break your balls

50. I've got a hard-on

51. Horse's ass
(jerks, or if you see one on the highway)

52. Jack-In-The-Box
(force a girl to go down on you)

53. She took the charge
(swallowed the music)

54. Who farted?
(chink with chow mein)

55. Mistake on original song

56. When we're rich and famous
(thanks for the help)

57. Don't fuck up
(17 prevention)

58. With what? Wampum?
(we're broke)

59. Don't you sweat it
(relax)

60. You gotta clean your room once in a while, or you'll never have any company
(people with poor show showing)

61. Easy on Bates' drinks

62. Easy on Jackie's drinks

63. Full steam ahead!

64. Culture shock
(strange environment encountered)

65. Carl Dincesen
(Someone funny when they're angry)

66. Pee in pants
(very, very funny)

67. Fill the pipe

68. You love to hear your horn honked once in a while
(minor ego trips)

69. New couch
(sofa so good) (things progressing okay)

70. Ready for take-off
(getting on the Thruway, etc.)

71. The gearchies
(Paul Curran likes this one) (tape op)

72. Boigas
(burgers of love)

73. Dot's delight
(blonde, beautiful wasp girl)

74. Paybacks are a bitch

75. Full house
(many ex-lovers at same place at same time)

76. Get them panties down
(Oyster Bar war cry)

77. Toss that rag
(oral sex during her period...)

78. Eagle rock
(sugar fairies dancing...way out there)

79. Excuses are like assholes, everybody has one

80. I have pot, but I'm not sharing

81. Hoagie's guarantee
(car that's a lemon)

82. Get it out before it turns to cheese
(Mario)

83. Red
(whew...old friends that can get away with anything)

84. Packin' 'em in here, boss
(Neptune South, 1975)

85. *You tell me
(little old lady jokes)(*1977 Number of the Year)

86. You're sitting on something I want
(Katie's graduation)

87. Bates' sister
(ugly people of no relation)

88. Go in there and sell some clams
(get your show over)

89. The water's so nice
(Bayville living)

90. Anything can be fixed
(James Wolanin, and the Golden Boy, John Jeffrey Kracke, courtesy EQ Boy Brand)

91. Thickness is next to godliness
(Artie Gaddes window shopping...thick glasses)

92. Extravagance
(buy a cow)

93. Private joke
(93 is a private joke within a private joke)

94. I don't think you can do it
(Snoid)

95. It's art
(the Annual Fritz Aebisher speech to audience)

96. Let's fuck

97. Thanks for the workout

98. Strictly A.M.

99. Hurricane!
(any really fantastic time)

100. Firewood
(any obvious, lame fuck-up)

101. Oil burner goes on
(disturbance during recording)

102. Your playing's killing me
(get serious, I have friends here)

103. Mud for my turtle
(the old dirt road)

104. Don't yell at me

105. My first wife used to say that
(M.C., thanks) (*1978 Number of the Year)

106. This guy has no sense of humor
(the Bearsville Blunder)

107. Royalty check
(pick up the mail)

108. He's not my brother

109. Funky-assed cakes and nasty-assed pies
(Bates' skin disease cream)

110. Call Martin Audio? That's too easy.
(And those guys call themselves professionals?) (Ronnie Lawsuit)

111. O Christmas Tree calypso dance

112. Going to Europe and turning knobs is not a vacation
(Bola)

113. One more song, fellas
(Kenny Neptune)

114. Feed him beans
(don't be ridiculous)

115. Make my sax into a planter
(feeling like quitting after seeing an incredible player)

116. Partnership complaints
(Off Hour Truffle)

117. We do this for a living
(Kelly and W. Allessi)

118. Air under heels
(Quiff)

119. Arture is coming
(break balls with class)

120. Coke adds life
(goes around my brain)

136. The Pendulum
(trust in client...remember the Ralph Savarese Endurance Marathon...and there was a boat)

137. Depression Lession
(depressed over lost love)

138. Smack dab in the middle of pussy city
(137 over)

140. Unbefuckin'leavable
(Durkin and Blair, Blair and Durkin...)

141. Shut up
(don't spill the beans... put a lid on it)

142. Stranger in a strange land
(different planes) (Haberman's Exponent)

143. If Steve Muso was supposed to do it, it isn't done yet
(undependable people)

144. You're full of shiT
(Courtesy WLIR gang)

145. Go peddle that shit in the subway
(stage names...the Foresteri Blues...example: Ellison Wonderland)

148. On your heads, coffee break's over
(back to work)

160. You call that a diet?
(Kevin and Jackie)

163. This guy's too high
(Jeff Coma)

180. I hate your act, but you're okay

181. I hate you, but your act is okay

182. I'm not responsible for my friends or their actions
(Herby and Bates and Tommy and Tepe) (especially Tepe)
(I mean, it's 1978, cut your hair)

188. A balcony you could do Shakespare from
(Utopia Parkway) great tits)

200. Go back to Mel Bay
(poor musicanship)

206. Welcome to Bayside
(tune up- Tommy Truffle)

212. Turkey on white w/lettuce and tomato, mayonnaise

213. Taylor ham on rye, lettuce and mustard, Grumpy style

214. Clem's Special of the Day

215. You never really waste tape
(Blair)

216. Pair of Clem's cheeseburger's, with onions, ketchup

843. Pardon me, but you obviously mistook me for someone who gives a shit
(I don't care)

999. Jeffrey pays for lunch
(cheapskates of the world, unite)

Epilogue:

I hope you enjoy using the system. Put in your own numbers, for expressions you frequently (often too frequently) hear or use, use the number instead, and you'll remember it.

If something funny happens, give it a number, it's fun to remember. You won't believe what a gas The Number System is until you start to use it a lot, and get into it.

"The Number System" is brought to you by Ink Inc., and any reproduction of any or all of it would be greatly appreciated. All the people aforementioned and about to be listed do exist...fictional references certainly wouldn't have the same impact. (#49). Many appear without their consent... in fact, I'm sure many of them don't care for the idea whatsoever, #7. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

(Now, that should have a number... next time...)

Please send any suggestions to:
Brown Paper Bag
Box 62
East Norwich NY 11732

Our 200 series is courtesy of an anonymous recording engineer who wanted to make a contribution to our great cause.

Thanks to J.R., Frappy, Spike, Red, Brother Bob, Brother Jim, Nunzy, Betty Hornowski, Blair and Durkin, Kelly and Kracke, Arture, Dot, Crazy Katie, Kenny Neptune, Uncle Vinnie, Robel, of course the Master Batesy, Sister Katie, Burf, James Wolanin and the McKinnon Maurauders, Sigmund Snoid and Second Wind, Fritz Aebisher, Tony and the Neptune South, L.D., Darlene, Andrea, Tweety, Woodie, Lolly, Eula G., Butch and family, Gussie, Tommy Truffle, Susie H., Ronnie and the gang at the North, Ronnie Lawson, John Newton Oliver, Scrappo, Jeannie Hanrahan, Bob from Denver, Susanne, Carl the foreman, Chuckie Sack, Kevin and the non-fidget Bridget, Bug, all Polish people everywhere, Doctor John, Fibberly, Randy, The Golden Inn, Big Big Mary, The Metchal, The Box-Faced Wonder, Myron, both Jays, Paul and Ali, The Denver Barbarians and cousin Lenny Ben, Clem, Jeff Coma, Wild Bill Haberman, J. Fred Riggs, Ellison Chase, Mortar Balls Rullo, Coach Bob Margoleff, Thiktrak Music, Old Salt, Ralph Severalreelsfree, Key Largo, WLIR, John from Paul Clarke's session, the Fightin' Gators and cousin Craig, Serious Annie, and anyone who reads this.

The Crew in Denver 1973
The 941 Club 1974-6
The Golden Inn 1975
The Boulevard 1977
The Mansion 1978

In the summer of 1973, I had finally reached escape velocity and got out of Michigan, after seven years. I had loved East Lansing and my rock and roll band "The Pillowcayse," but a love affair with my college sweetheart gone bad and not making much money for too long (that will happen when you don't have a job) had landed me in Lansing, the armpit that is just the other side of the college town, and many, many smiles away from the storybook, enchanted town that is East Lansing and Michigan State University.

My big fat friend J. R. had come to Michigan to free me, and after three months of drinking goodbye to our fraternity pals and girls and other assorted nuts, we had left late one night in his sports car with my dog "Goopie", my nine-year-old kid brother, a couple ounces of home grown pot, a pile of green tomatoes, and whatever else we could fit in the crawl space behind us.

We were pulled over almost immediately, the cops took our pot, and let us go. We were thrilled we weren't arrested. Fifteen minutes later we were screaming, "Those cocksuckers took our reefer! " We had to ride twenty hours to Colorado with nothing but booze. We got to Denver with much fanfare (ours, not theirs), and then, after crashing with and sponging off six guys from our home town of Oyster Bay who shared a condo in Cherry Creek in Denver for a couple of weeks, we decided that if we were going to stay there we had better get jobs.

Denver was booming, and in less than an hour we had jobs breaking up and pulling out new cement sidewalks and driveways that had cracked, and loading the chunks into our truck, keeping in front of the form setters and cement-pouring crews that were hot on our heels. Man, did it suck. Fat J. R. was (is) a lazy bastard, and I would literally do three times the work he did, just to fight the boredom.

After a few backbreaking weeks, we took our paychecks and went and bought the tools we needed to set forms and quickly taught ourselves how, by watching our foreman and insisting he let us give it a shot whenever there was an opportunity. We got real good real fast. And it wasn't easy, because J. R. would roll a few huge joints and we'd smoke them on our way to work, driving in the crisp clean Denver morning mountain air in an open borrowed jeep as the sun was coming up at 5:30 a.m. Stoned out of my head, I somehow learned to make a sidewalk.

A few weeks after that, two more Oyster Bay guys moved out to Denver, moved in with us (that's ten, if you're keeping score), and got jobs working with me and J.R. The four of us became a formsetting crew, bossed by Carl, a 21-year-old foreman whose head I'm sure is still spinning.

One day, J.R. and I were cruising back to the pre-fab King Bee Construction Company office, and just before we got there a few twenty-foot two-by-fours flew off the back of out eighteen-foot flatbed truck, with our foreman in his pickup behind us.

When we pulled into the yard, Carl walked up to us and said, "Jack...J. R...you have to make sure you lash down the loose wood in the back of your truck. That's really dangerous when stuff falls off of there. Somebody could get hurt."

We kind of nodded. Harry, the head guy (who we called "H"), overheard what was going on and came over.

He said, "Carl, that's not the way you talk to New Yorkers. They didn't hear a word you said." Harry turned to us and said, "Listen, you two jerk offs. If one more scrap of wood ever blows off of that truck, I'll ram it so far up both of your fucking asses you'll get splinters in your tongue."

We said, "Got you, H." And the communication was complete.

Soon, it seemed every few minutes one of us would say, "Where's the hammer?" (or where is some other tool). If you're not a professional carpenter or electrician or whatever, you've probably noticed that when you fix something or work on something you spend most of your time looking for the tool you just put down a few seconds before. And we were far from being professional. Especially when we discovered that if we went out and got bombed, work the next day would only suck the first hour or so, then our heads would clear, so we started going out every night. With a hangover, even more tools get lost.

Being not very good at what we were doing, and being groggy, we were also smacking ourselves pretty often with the hammer, or the sledgehammer, or slipping with this or that and hurting ourselves with amazing proficiency. And every time somebody said, "Where's the hammer?", one of us would inevitably say, "If it was up your ass you'd know where it was."

And after somebody yowched! in pain, one of us would say, "Your face is killing me." Not sometimes. Every time. Like clockwork.

Eventually, I got so fucking sick of hearing those two stupid retorts that I said, "All right, enough. We're giving those things numbers. From now on, instead of, "If it was up your ass you'd know where it was," we'll say "Number One," and instead of saying, "Your face is killing me", we'll say "Number Two."

And we did it. And just as quickly, we added more numbers. And we used them. We knew them and used them so much it used to freak people out. When I got back to New York and Chris Bates and I started up "The Off Hour Rockers,", "The Colorado Number System" became a staple in our lives. The fans of our band would run and fetch me an ice cold Budweiser when I'd call out "39." When an ugly girl came within sight, I now would say "87" instead of "Hey, Bates, there's your sister."

A fan of the band worked at a print shop and blew up "The Colorado Number System" to 3 feet by 2 feet. And I was such an asshole that when I produced my first comedy LP in 1979, "What Did You Expect," I folded up a thousand of those fucking blown-up Number Systems, shipped them to the pressing plant in Nashville, and had them insert them into the albums before they wrapped them in the plastic. I swear to God.

I hope you like it... it was a lot of fun for a lot of years.